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The Long View

From the Archives of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library

by Rob Long

The Collected Diaries of Donald J. Trump, Chapter 8: “The Ascent to Power”

Dear Kitty:
As you know, I decided many weeks ago that from the standpoint of my father and I, the best way for me to let him know that I am not a little boy anymore was, very casual-like, to start calling him “Fred,” like a big boy and not a baby, because I really am not a baby, Kitty, and you and I know that whatever the other boys may call me it reflects a lot more on them than it does on me. The 8th grade is a very important grade — maybe the most important grade of all!!! — and I thought it would be a good idea for me and Fred to start seeing things from a more man-to-man type deal.

It didn’t go over so well, and Fred said some things which I felt were mean and overly critical in respect of the way the pockets of my pants pooch out a bit like giant ears, even though it’s clear to everyone that over the summer I have lost a considerable amount of weight and my pants are showing a looser and more drape-like appearance, and when I take off my nice pants after school to change into my play plants, there is no longer a red stripe around my waist from where the waistband cut into me and made indentations. Great news! So goodbye to the tightness and the squeakiness we experienced last year due to the secret candy storage in my bedroom closet, most of which is totally gone now thanks to the yelling and screaming of Fred. Though I still have a box of emergency PayDays hidden in a place I will never reveal, not even to Fred no matter how much he yells.

One more thing: I have decided to run for class president and will begin thinking about which girls in my class seem suitable to serve as my “Vice President” as I go about my official duties. The problems which need to be solved: One, the prettier girls tend to be snobby and stuck up when I approach them which maybe the weight loss will help, maybe not, whatever the case may be, I have begun reading more books and manuals about being charming which turns out is a skill that can be written out in book form, and which will help me deal quickly and decisively with the flat-chested and/or plump girls who currently pay me the most attention, even though I try to make it clear that I just don’t see myself going in that direction, girl-wise.

Dear Kitty:
Today, Millicent Jeffries announced that she was running for class president against me!!!! I did my best to laugh at her as she made her announcement, but my central concern here is that she may win the all-important “unpopular girl” vote, which very sadly is considerable in my 8th-grade class and most probably at Kew Forest School in general, something that I will need to take care of when I assume the class presidency.

The good news in all of this is that I reinitiated conversations with Daddy — and come to think of it, he really is more of a “daddy” than a “Fred” and I feel good about the way this was all resolved — as regards my run for the class-president position and he has provided some invaluable help from the standpoint of my campaign.

It’s entirely possible that one if not all of the toes on Millicent’s left foot are curved in an unusual way, which some people have suggested is a sign that she is either not really American or something even weirder, I don’t know, I’m not saying one way or the other, I’m just saying that it’s something you hear.

Problems with the above paragraph: One, not sure if she does have weird toes because I do not attend public swimming facilities due to a previous incident with name-calling bullies who did not understand that I was wearing my T-shirt in the pool because of fear of sunburn. And two, maybe the toe stuff shouldn’t come from me?

Dear Kitty:
Please do not ask me about the class election, which was a very unfortunate thing for me and something that resulted in a great deal of unfairness aimed at my direction.

I will finish this diary entry later, when I have secretly and quietly eaten my remaining PayDays while thinking about how I will get back at all of them.

P.S. Fred gave me a very disappointed look when I told him the news.

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